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Caring and support can be a big help in preventing and healing from violence
School shootings leave a wake of deep suffering, heartbreak, and enduring loss – felt most in the community directly harmed yet reaching far beyond. Children, families, and school staff far, far away often feel deep grief, fear, and a loss of their own feeling of safety when they learn of another school shooting – and worry about the possibility of a similar tragedy harming their own families, schools, and communities.
The threat of violence looms over all children no matter where they live or what their family situation is. And, in these scary times, the support caring adults has the power to make a profound difference in helping them regain a sense of emotional safety.
In order to protect emotional and physical safety for ourselves, our loved ones, our students, and our colleagues in the aftermath of a school shooting, we can focus on taking charge of our perspective and making rational plans rather than reacting out of anger and panic.
The challenge is to find the right balance between security and living our lives. For example, the most dangerous thing we let our children do is to ride in a car. Even though cars are much safer thanks to seat belts, air bags, car seats, and greater awareness of the dangers of distracted driving, terrible accidents still happen. Yet despite the risks, most of us still drive cars.
The reality is that life is not risk free. Our job as caring adults is to prepare for potential dangers as best as we can, live our lives joyfully, take action to address the social problems that lead to school shootings, other violence as well as we can, and teach our children to do the same!
The following 7 suggestions can help adults and children to feel less helpless and more prepared in the face of armed violence in schools.
- Is Your School Prepared – and Are You?
- Be a Safe, Calm Person to Talk To
- Make Sure it is Safe to Tell At School
- What Adults Can Say to Children About What Happens to People’s Minds and Bodies in an Emergency
- Violence in Schools and Elsewhere: What Adults Can Say To Children About Getting Away, Getting Hurt, and Getting Help
- What Adults Can Say to Children About Kids Having Weapons At School
- Work on the Underlying Issues
1. Is Your School Prepared – and Are You?
Make sure that your school, family, workplace, and organization has a plan of action for how to handle all kinds of potential emergencies. This includes: urgent health problems, natural disasters, aggression, and violence.
The keys to preparation are:
- Assessing potential risks of the kinds of problems that might endanger young people realistically and thoroughly;
- Making changes to minimize those risks when possible;
- Having plans in place for how emergencies will be handled; and
- Practicing with all school staff how to assess the situation and take immediate effective action when confronted with different kinds of emergencies. This can include training in recognizing danger, getting help immediately, first aid, crisis intervention, self-defense, emergency evacuations, and sheltering in place.
What people decide to do in the first few seconds of an emergency can make a tremendous difference. Being prepared with a plan of action and skills to assess the best choice and take action quickly will help to empower adults to take leadership when necessary. Not only will it help for the relatively rare tragedies like school shootings, but for all kinds of emergencies.
When schools have an emergency active shooter plan that teachers and students have practiced, encourage children to do what their teacher says and follow the plan as best they can, as long as they are staying away from the shooter. Role playing is a powerful training tool to help adults and kids alike understand and plan how to respond to dangerous situations.
2. Be a Safe, Calm Person to Talk To
Children of all ages need to know that adults are willing to listen to their fears and problems while being treated with respect. You need to find a balance between listening and supporting without burdening children with your own fears.
It might be tempting to try to make children feel better by telling them that the situation is really not that bad. It can also be hard not to overreact and sound panic-stricken yourself. Kids are likely to become even more scared and anxious when their adults are overwhelmed and afraid. Violence in schools is upsetting for most adults, be sure to get support for your own feelings from other understanding people if you need it.
If you act like something is too terrifying even to talk about, this will make children more afraid. They might want to protect you by not sharing their fears and this can leave them feeling really alone.
Children need adults to listen and explain–in a calm and matter-of-factly manner–what is happening and what children should do. Tell children to tell you if anyone is making them uncomfortable about anything. Having children in the habit of talking to you will help judge whether or not a situation is potentially dangerous.
Oftentimes after a tragic shooting, people realize that many warning signs are overlooked, including the ones that were reported. If someone is posting violent messages on social media, take this seriously. In a way that does not put you or your child at risk by revealing your identity, do your best to get school authorities and law enforcement officials to take action.
3. Make Sure it is Safe to Tell at School
It is your job as an adult to take charge of the environment your children spend time in. As best as you can, make sure that your school has a plan for dealing with school shootings and any other emergencies. Make sure that adults are trained to deal with a child who makes a report about another child. Violence in schools can escalate if problems are not managed in a way that protects students who make reports.
One girl who was in a very exclusive school in a quiet neighborhood heard a boy bragging about his gun. After telling the principal, they found the gun and suspended the boy. However, the principal did not protect the girl’s identity and put her back into the same classroom. She was threatened to be killed by the boy’s friends. When school officials understand that it is of utmost importance to protect children’s identity, trauma will be prevented and the prevention of violence will flourish.
If children don’t feel safe with any adult at school, it is important that they tell another adult they trust as soon as they can. The school needs to know if there is possible danger. In some situations it’s necessary to make a telephone call to the school anonymously–which means not telling your name–to someone in charge. Anonymous telephone calls or notes will only be taken seriously when detailed descriptions are included in the message.
4. What Adults Can Say to Children About What Happens to People’s Minds and Bodies in an Emergency
You can tell children, “Any time you have an emergency –like a car wreck, an earthquake, a flood, a tornado, or somebody being dangerous– your first feeling will most likely be disbelief. You will probably think, ‘It’s not true. It is impossible!This can’t be!’ The sooner you can get over your disbelief and see what is actually happening, the sooner you can start to protect yourself.”
“Next, you will probably experience some very strong feelings because of a chemical in your body called adrenaline. Adrenaline can make you feel full of energy, or it can make you feel sick to your stomach. Sometimes all of these feelings come at the same time, which can be a bit confusing. Your body might go into a panic and want to run or freeze or start fighting. The good news is that you can learn to use the energy from your adrenaline to give you lots of power while still thinking clearly. This will help you make the safest choices for yourself. If you practice the safest way to handle different emergencies, you’re likely to act quickly because your body will already know what to do.”
Using role plays to rehearse handling different emergencies, including potential violence in schools, can prepare children to react effectively and quickly. Additionally, it can have their adrenaline work for them instead of against them.
5. Violence in Schools and Elsewhere: What Adults Can Say to Children About Getting Away, Getting Hurt, and Getting Help
Sometimes we have children as young as six ask us in the middle of a Kidpower workshop, “What if someone comes to our school and starts shooting everybody?” Along with all of the other adults in the room, we look into their little faces and feel ill that they even have to wonder about it.
When children ask what to do is something terrible happens, it is important to give them simple and clear answers. It is less upsetting to imagine a plan than to keep imagining being helpless.
We can tell children, “The news makes it seem as if scary things like this are happening all the time. But this isn’t true. Most of us will live long happy lives and not have to deal with somebody shooting people at school. If something bad happens at school, follow the directions that your teacher gives you. It might be to hide quietly in your room. If someone starts waving a gun, knife, or starts shooting and you don’t know what do, your safest choice is almost always is to get away quickly and quietly. You will be safer if you keep running away even if the person with the gun tells you to stop. Even if the person is saying they will hurt someone else if you run, the best chance you have for helping that person is to run away and get help.” This is useful advice for violence in general, not just violence in schools.
It is important for children to have a safety plan for getting out of a building in case of danger – whether the danger comes from a fire or a person. You can say, “Your job is to get out of the building as far from the danger as possible. So let’s think about everywhere you might be and how you might get out if you need to. You can go out the door or, if you have to, jump out of the window. If a dangerous fire has you trapped, look for the nearest window away from the fire and yell for help. If it is a dangerous person that has you trapped, look for a place where you can completely hide yourself.” Then, rehearse leaving and/or hiding with the children.
Tell children, “You might need to get hurt in order to get away. If a gun shoots, it will be loud. Even if you are hurt, the adrenaline will help you run fast. You’re likely to heal if you are hurt by a gun. Just like when you fall down and get hurt and bloody.”
Tell children, “Once you get out, as safely as possible, find an adult you trust to go to for help. Now, let’s think about different places you might be and where you could go to get help after you’re out.” Take the time to brainstorm ideas about getting out and getting help with children. Teach children how to call 911; their full name, address, and telephone number; and how to use different types of telephones.
6. What Adults Can Say to Children About Kids Having Weapons At School
You can tell children that, “Sometimes kids joke about using weapons or hurting animals and people. Most of the time, they are just pretending, but once in a while, they are not. Someone who is talking like this or is showing you a weapon, they might have big problems. I always want you to leave safely and then tell me about it as soon as you can.”
Young people need to know how to get away from anyone who makes them uncomfortable without saying what they think. This means that they have to lie to stay safe. Saying “Of course I won’t tell.” or even, “Yes, I think that’s cool.” could be life saving. They might have to agree with the person who is being weird or scary, even with a big insult like saying, “Yes, you’re right, my mom is a creep (or worse).”
It is urgent that children should advise an adult they trust when someone is acting potentially dangerous. Something they could say is, “This is about my safety and about the safety of others here at our school. I need you to promise to protect me knowing that I am the one who is telling you this. I want you to call my parents (or another safe adult) right away so they can be with me.”
7. Work on the Underlying Issues
As caring adults, we all need to work together to take social action that can help to prevent this kind of violence in the future. Addressing the larger social issues that can lead to mass shootings is going to take time. As the number of shootings increase, we must find ways to make our schools safer and communities safer. We need to find our own way of helping to address the underlying issues that lead to violence in schools and in our communities.
Important actions can include:
- Establishing school policies that make threats, harassment, and violence in schools against the rules with clearly defined consequences.
- Ensuring that mental health services are available to everyone who needs them, especially young people and families that are struggling.
- Providing education and policies to stop prejudice, bullying, harassment, and any other form of violence in schools.
- Mentoring a troubled child.
- Monitoring and being aware of the ways in which the entertainment industry normalizes violence for our children.
- Providing media education so that young people learn that it is not cool or manly to be violent.
- Educating school personnel, law enforcement officials, and parents about warning signals that can precede violence in schools.
- Helping young people learn conflict resolution, self-protection, boundary-setting, and confidence skills through organizing and supporting programs such as Kidpower.
Violence in schools can indeed feel like an overwhelming problem. We can keep our kids safe most of the time by taking steps both to reduce the potential of violence and also to help children develop safety plans and habits,
We urge you to share the following articles with any adults with children in their lives who may have worries and questions.
- Helping Children Regain Their Emotional Safety After a Tragedy
- Emotional Safety Skills for All Ages
- Mass Shootings: Kidpower Answers to Common Questions
- Mass Shootings — Kidpower Safety Tips for Individuals and Families
- What If An Attacker Has a Weapon? Strategies to protect yourself and your loved ones
For more information about Kidpower’s resources for teaching these People Safety Skills and concepts, please visit our online Library and our RelationSafe™ Bookstore.
Published: October 13, 2006 | Last Updated: December 1, 2021
Irene van der Zande, Kidpower Founder and Executive Director
Kidpower Founder and Executive Irene van der Zande is a master at teaching safety through stories and practices and at inspiring others to do the same. Her child protection and personal safety expertise has been featured by USA Today, CNN, Today Moms, the LA Times, and The Wall Street Journal. Publications include: cartoon-illustrated Kidpower Safety Comics and Kidpower Teaching Books curriculum; Bullying: What Adults Need to Know and Do to Keep Kids Safe; the Relationship Safety Skills Handbook for Teens and Adults; Earliest Teachable Moment: Personal Safety for Babies, Toddlers, and Preschoolers; The Kidpower Book for Caring Adults: Personal Safety, Self-Protection, Confidence, and Advocacy for Young People, and the Amazon Best Seller Doing Right by Our Kids: Protecting Child Safety at All Levels.