Whether the issue is workplace bullying, relational bullying, school bullying, neighborhood bullying, cyberbullying, or bullying within families – bullying is the most common reason why people reach out for help from Kidpower International – for themselves as well as for their children.
Here are just a few of countless examples:
- “My colleague scowls when I come into our shared office, sabotages any idea I come up with, and tries to take credit for my work.”
- “My boss speaks to me in a sneering voice and makes nasty remarks about my competence instead of giving me constructive feedback on how to improve my performance.”
- “People in the waiting room of our clinic often curse and threaten our office staff.”
- “I’m on a board of directors of a community organization. One member disrupts our meetings by threatening to resign if he doesn’t get his way and by shouting others down if he disagrees about something.”
- “I was part of an online community that was supposed to support parents – but found myself being ganged up on and eventually shunned.”
- “My sister is trying to harm my reputation with other family members because she doesn’t like my politics.”
- “My neighbor screams at me about parking every time we see each other.”
- “Even though my school has a no-bullying policy, my professor is constantly talking to and about me in a degrading way.”
- “I have disabilities, and most of my bosses have called me ‘stupid’.”
Instead of constantly feeling miserable or helpless, you have the power to take charge of your safety and wellbeing when faced with bullying as an adult!
Someone might have more power than another person for many reasons, such as:
- Physically: By being stronger, bigger, louder, and/or more aggressive.
- Economically: By having more money; by controlling money you need; and/or being your boss.
- Emotionally: By being more willing than you are to damage your relationship; by knowing how to make you feel guilty; by knowing how to manipulate you into doing things that are not in your best interest such as lending money that won’t get paid back; and/or by knowing how to push your buttons.
- Socially: By being in a position to control access to something you want or need, such as where you live or access to someone you love; by being able to get other people to think less of you; and/or by being more credible or believable than you are.
Some people deliberately misuse their power with an intention to be hurtful to others. More often, people act in disrespectful or hurtful ways without realizing it. Regardless of someone’s intention, when you are on the receiving end of their rude, disrespectful, or threatening behavior, you are likely to feel angry, scared, and/or sad.
Figuring out how to use the power you already have to protect yourself can be life changing.
Here are five strategies that can help.
1. Develop and nurture mutually positive and respectful relationships
At Kidpower, we teach that, “We each have the RIGHT to be treated with safety and respect – and the RESPONSIBILITY to act safely and respectfully towards ourselves and others.”
When possible, it is best to develop professional and personal relationships where everyone agrees on values such as treating each other with safety, respect, and kindness, even when they are frustrated or disagree.
The reality is that we often need to deal with people who don’t share these values – or with workplaces or schools that have written policies that are not consistently upheld by the leadership.
And, even with the best of intentions, people often say or do something hurtful to someone else because:
- They don’t realize that their behavior is rude or disrespectful to the other person
- They are sure it is “just a joke” or that they are “just being honest” – and that the other person is being oversensitive.
- They get triggered and lash out.
- They become so upset about a disagreement that they get stuck.
- They are tired and not their best selves.
Rather than labeling unintentional hurtful behavior as ‘bullying’, we can work on solving the problem by using positive communication, conflict resolution, conscious apologies, and boundary-setting practices.
2. Find ways to protect yourself emotionally rather than becoming consumed with upset feelings
Feeling helpless and persecuted and wishing that the bullying would stop are normal reactions. However, just wishing doesn’t usually work. And, feeling helpless and victimized wastes your time and energy, will most likely cause you a lot of pain, and will not make the situation better.
For most people, trying to “just ignore” hurtful behavior usually doesn’t work. And, being bullied often causes us to become negatively triggered.
Emotional triggers are thoughts, words, or other stimuli that cause us to explode with feelings. When we are exploding with feelings, it is harder to think clearly so that we can make safe and wise choices for ourselves and others.
If we do not protect ourselves, hurting words can get stuck in our hearts or our heads and stay there for a really long time.
There are many ways to stop this from happening. Again, practicing with our bodies will prepare our minds to use these techniques in real life.
Here are three of the 17 Emotional Safety Skills we teach that can help you protect yourself from becoming negatively triggered by the emotional impact of adult bullying:
- The Trash Can. Imagine someone is insulting you or someone you care about. Use one hand to act out catching the hurtful words from the air. Next, throw those harmful messages away into a trash can. Finally, take in positive self-talk by putting your hands over your heart and saying something kind to yourself. Then, practice doing this in your imagination so that you are prepared the next time someone says something mean to you – or you stay something mean to yourself.
- The Emotional Screen. Imagine that someone is upset with you, and they are expressing their concerns in a very rude way. Crisscross your fingers, and look through the holes this makes. Now, think of a screen on a door or window that keeps out the bugs and lets in the fresh air. Use this gesture to help you imagine a screen protecting you from the other person’s insulting words or behavior and letting in useful information.
- The Emotional Raincoat. If someone is storming and you cannot just leave, imagine that you are in a real storm, covered with warm, waterproof raingear. Make de-escalating statements, such as, “I understand that this is upsetting to you.”
- Get Centered. Feel where your hands and feet are. Straighten your back. Slowly and quietly, take in a breath and let it out. Look at or think of something peaceful to focus on.
3. Assess your options and be strategic
Most of the time, you can choose how you are going to respond to bullying behavior.
Be strategic by making decisions that further your own goals and are in your best interests rather than simply reacting to someone else’s hurtful words or actions. Choices might include:
- Leaving or Staying.You can disengage for a moment or end the relationship completely. You can set boundaries about what needs to change in order for you to stay. You can decide to stay but figure out how to stop the person’s behavior from upsetting you. You can decide to believe that someone in your professional or personal life really is not capable of changing their behavior and then decide whether it is best to leave the relationship or to choose to stay while finding other ways to protect yourself.
- Remember you can FEEL one way and ACT another. Suppose the person who is bullying is in a position of leadership at your workplace, school, or other group. You can choose to stay calm in the moment and decide how to address the problem later. With some leaders, you might be able to speak up with them when things have calmed down, away from the heat of the moment. With others, you might not.
- Speaking up or letting things go. Pick your battles so that you use your energy, care, and time wisely. Is this relationship important enough to invest in?
- Saying “No” or ‘Yes” or “Maybe or “Wait.” If someone is trying to pressure you into doing something you aren’t sure is right for you, remember that your time and space belong to you. You can say, “I’ll think about it.”
4. Set boundaries.
If you have a relationship with someone who is important to you, set boundaries sooner rather than later. Keep in mind:
- Hoping that the behavior will change because someone “ought to know” or hinting with subtle comments or behavior usually does not work. We call this the “Wishing Technique”. Unfortunately, waiting until you are ready to explode is a recipe for failure.
- HOW you set boundaries makes a big difference in how well they work. Make sure that your tone of voice, words, body language, and facial expressions are clear, confident, and respectful.
- Rehearsing can help you to be successful. Setting boundaries, especially in high-stakes situations, is hard. Practice out loud what you want to say and do. Remember that it is normal for many people to act negatively at first when someone says that they want them to change. Be prepared with positive responses for negative reactions.
5. Get help.
Remember that problems should not have to be secrets, and that you have that power to keep asking with respectful, relentless persistence until you get the help you need. Document the bullying behavior as objectively as you can.
There are many different ways of getting help. Depending on the situation, you might:
- Join forces with others if someone in a position of power is misusing their authority.
- Go up the chain of command. Who in your situation has the power to do something to stop this behavior?
- If someone is bullying at your place of work, talk with human resources. Bullying and harassment are often against the rules.
- Talk problems over with people you trust, but remember that endlessly agonizing about someone’s upsetting behavior is not going to lead to change.
- Educate people at your workplace or organization with the kinds of teamwork and leadership training that Kidpower provides. Having a positive culture of safety and respect helps to prevent adult bullying.
- If you feel stuck, get professional help to support you in making needed changes and in taking care of yourself emotionally.
When someone misuses their power with an intention to be hurtful to you, it can feel miserable. Figuring out how to use the power you already have to protect yourself can be life changing.
As adults, we have both more choices and more power than most children. Young people are going to learn more from what we do than from what we say. If children see their adults deciding that adult bullying behavior is unacceptable and stopping ourselves and others from doing it, they will be more likely to believe that this behavior is unsafe and unacceptable.
Published: March 20, 2012 | Last Updated: March 5, 2025
Irene van der Zande, Kidpower Founder and Executive Director
Kidpower Founder and Executive Irene van der Zande is a master at teaching safety through stories and practices and at inspiring others to do the same. Her child protection and personal safety expertise has been featured by USA Today, CNN, Today Moms, the LA Times, and The Wall Street Journal. Publications include: cartoon-illustrated Kidpower Safety Comics and Kidpower Teaching Books curriculum; Bullying: What Adults Need to Know and Do to Keep Kids Safe; the Relationship Safety Skills Handbook for Teens and Adults; Earliest Teachable Moment: Personal Safety for Babies, Toddlers, and Preschoolers; The Kidpower Book for Caring Adults: Personal Safety, Self-Protection, Confidence, and Advocacy for Young People, and the Amazon Best Seller Doing Right by Our Kids: Protecting Child Safety at All Levels.