Summer Safety: Recording & Recap of our “Turning Problems into Practices” Coaching Call

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Click for Kidpower's Video: Parent Advice for Safety at Summer Camp and Recreation Activities - Prevent Child Abuse and other Harm.

View the Video – Kidpower Advice to Parents for Safety at Summer Camp and Recreation Activities, featuring Irene van der Zande. Learn how to prepare children to handle new people and situations with confidence, and prevent abuse, bullying, harassment and other kinds of harm. (17 mins)

I want to thank everyone who registered and called in last week, and especially those who joined Kidpower’s founder and executive director, Irene van der Zande, to discuss their concerns during our second free “Turning Problems Into Practices” Coaching Call about Summer Safety.

We had a great turn out again, with plenty of questions submitted before the call, so that we could just dive right in. You can listen to the recording of the call and we’ve also prepared a summary transcript with links to the additional resources that were recommended on the call.

The topics that were addressed, live on the call, included:

  • safety at summer day and sleep-over camps; how to prepare kids to get help from adults in charge.
  • how children can navigate potentially difficult interactions with camp counselors and other new campers
  • preparing a family member who is less experienced and gets flustered easily to take care of two young children during the day over the summer
  • what do I do when the parent of my child’s brand new friend invites the kids to go exploring or on a playdate right after we’ve met – and I don’t want to seem over-protective?
  • how to help a shy child make new friends at camp and school; and how do I help them get into a habit of telling me about problems instead of keeping them bottled up?
  • how to be prepare kids to be safe with setting up a lemonade stand in the neighborhood
  • safety issues for a young teen who is getting ready to go on the bus independently, and also on a family cruise vacation this summer

I have been delighted to see how much Irene has been able to cover with different people in just an hour and how well the Kidpower program applies to so many different situations during our first two Turning Problems Into Practices Coaching Conference Calls.

Our goal is to provide this new service at least  once a month. The next call will be on July 20th at noon PST, to allow more people to join us from different timezones and daily schedules. Registration for the next call will open on July 1st and will announced to our enewsletter subscribers. In the meantime, we would appreciate your input about topics, schedule, and structure of the call – please add your preferences on our short survey.

I also want to thank our wonderful Kidpower team that makes these calls possible – including Eamon in our office for his technical support during the call and our North Carolina Center Co-Director MJ Hayes for her help with taking notes.

If this approach is valuable to you, consider attending one of Kidpower’s Skills for Child Protection Advocates 3-day Training Institute this year! These calls are an excellent preview of how Irene trains Kidpower instructors to use the “Turning Problems into Practices” approach to apply Kidpower skills and strategies to real-life challenges. The training is for individuals (professionals, parents and volunteers) who are committed to protecting and empowering the young people in their lives and organizations. Learning to use Kidpower’s intervention, advocacy and skill-building practices helps you help kids grow confident and capable of taking charge of their own well-being.

“Turning Problems into Practices” Coaching Call with Kidpower’s Founder Irene van der Zande. June 1, 2015  — Call Topic: Summer Safety (59 minutes). 

Summary of the Questions and Practices Discussed, with Links to Resources:

Question 1: I have two preteens going to their first sleepover camp. How do I prepare them for interactions with teen counselors they don’t know? What about participating in group activities and navigating different types of children and behavior? And how about handling any possible bully situations?

Solution discussion:  These are all excellent questions to address before sending children to camp. In Kidpower workshops and materials we teach boundary-setting skills through role-plays where we give kids a chance to practice what we want them to say and do if someone’s behavior is bothering them. When we play the role of the bothering person, we act like someone who just doesn’t know the safety rules – or doesn’t realize they are acting inappropriately, and NOT in a creepy way. In our camp counselor role-play, we have students practice how to persist in setting boundaries each step of the way if a counselor takes them on a walk, tries to hold hands, gets upset when told to stop, offers a bribe, and makes the child promise not to tell. Students then act out going to the camp director and, when told that calling home is agains the rules, we have them practice saying, “I can always call home, and you are going to get in trouble if you don’t let me.”

Before sending your children to camp:

  • Make sure they always have a way to contact you, that they know that plan ahead of time, and it is discussed with the camp director.
  • Be clear on what the rules are, and what are the possible safety problems that might arise.
  • Make sure kids know what is safe in each area of the camp and what activities they will be doing.  Then practice with them how to speak up about problems in any situation, even with things like noticing a wasp nest, or needing items like sunscreen and insect repellent.
  • Have them practice saying, “I don’t feel safe,” or “This is against my family safety rules.”  And then practice how to go up the chain of command if the first counselor does not help them.
  • Find out about the policies and practices of the camp. Ask, “What is your policy on how you make kids feel welcome and what are the strategies you use when unsafe behaviors arise, so that no one is being left out or teased? What type of training do your counselors have?”
  • Make sure camp counselors know that, instead of telling kids, “Don’t tattle!”, they say “How can I help you?” Or “Are you telling me this just so I’ll know, or do you need my help?”
  • Practice boundaries for peer pressure situations like, “No, I don’t want to do that, but how about we do this __(fun activity)__?”

Recommended Resources:

Kidpower Video:

Kidpower Articles

Books

  • The Kidpower Book for Caring Adults – Our comprehensive guide to teaching young people vital skills and knowledge for developing positive relationships, increasing their confidence, and taking charge of their emotional and physical safety.

Question 2: I’m sending my shy 5-year-old to summer day camp for first time.  How can I make sure she knows how to get help? I worry that she won’t tell anyone if she has a problem.

Solution discussion:

  • First make sure that the camp is welcoming and that there is enough supervision.
  • Maybe go with her the first time until she feels comfortable and safe. Help her to identify who the adults are that are in charge. It is important to have a clear hand-off, so everyone knows who is in charge now.
  • When you drop her off, you make a bridge for her and introduce the child to the adult and say, “Here is who you ask questions of when you need to.” It is important to actually have a face, so that later she will be able to identify who to go to for help.
  • Practice ahead of camp by pretending to be a busy adult and role-play her asking for help. The first time, help her right away after she asks. Then practice again and let her know you will make it more challenging. Say, “I am too busy, come back later.” But coach her to persist and say, “I need help, some kids are teasing me and I have a safety problem.” Work up to practicing further, that If the adult-in-charge continues not to help, then have her practice asking to call you (her parents).
  • Identify adults that will listen and adults that won’t try to take the kids away from the group, but rather solve the problem and integrate the child back into the group.
  • Have the adults tell the kids, “We want you to be safe and have a good time here.  If you feel unsafe – even if I am busy or someone will be upset – please come tell me and I will help you,” which is a shortened version of our Kidpower Protection Promise™.

Recommended Resources:

  • Reading with your child Kidpower’s Safety Comics for Younger Children is a great way to read and practice the skills for speaking up and getting help, as well as many other skills that keep kids safe and help them enjoy new challenges.

Question 3:  I’m concerned about a situation that might come up: if I’m at a little league game and my child meets a new friend and then the friend’s dad wants to go exploring, but I don’t know him that well yet. What do I say so I don’t seem too over protective?

Solution discussion: You can say, “We will go together until we know each other better,” or “I would like to go along too.” If you feel you need to offer more explanation, you can say, “Our family really gets to know people and make sure we are all on the same page before we do things separately.”

This is important not only to make sure he will not harm your child intentionally, but also just because people have different standards of what safety is, such as how far away they let the kids go from them, and there are lots of things to be aware of that you want to have discussed and seen how he is with the children before letting your child go with them without you.

Recommended Kidpower Article: Keeping Playdates Fun and Safe

Question 4:  My mother-in-law will be watching our 6½-year-old and 2-year-old this summer. How can I ensure she follows our safety rules around transportation, as well as not keeping secrets or breaking rules about giving treats? She took care of them when they were infants, but not since then. She is good at setting boundaries in a loving, caring way, but she gets anxious when the kids are upset or crying, so she will give in and do whatever it takes to make sure they are not distressed and take the path of least resistance. My biggest concern is that she is insecure and trying really hard and if she makes a mistake she might tell the kids not to tell me.

Solution discussion: You need to work on this concern on both ends: both with the kids and with Grandma. You can do this with conversations and practice – and you can back it up with literature. Tell her that she is part of your safety team, so she needs to know what the expectations and rules are, and that she has to practice.

  • Transportation Safety: Do some dry runs on driving and parking lot safety. Tell her the rules about “Staying Together” in the parking lot, etc. The kids might try to test Grandma even if they are really good following the rules with parents.
    • First, one of the parents rides with Grandma and the kids for the whole daily route that she will take when she is getting the kids to a class, picking them up and so on. Then do a run where you follow behind and she shows you she can do it.
    • If she is resistant to practice, tell her, “I find it challenging sometimes with two kids and we want to make sure you have the tools you need.”
  • Boundaries and Upsets: Talk with her about the possible issues when transitions are taking place, such as handing off kids at the swim lessons and how to deal with issues that arise when she is home alone with them. Talk with her about what you do when they cry. The “Hand in Hand” parenting website also has great tips on dealing with crying and tools to use.
  • Schedule a practice playdate and say, “We really appreciate what you are doing and we want to make sure that it is safe and fun for everyone, and that we are on a common ground and using common language with the safety rules.” Let her know that if she makes a mistake, like giving a treat that is against your rules on a rough day, that you want her to say to you, in front of the kids, “I have a confession to make,” and to go ahead and tell you what she did.
  • To prepare the kids: You can make a book with the kids (and share it with Grandma) about what will happen when Grandma takes care of them. Use drawings and make a story about what they will do together. Put in the book that they can call you at any time to work through any problems that arise and that they are going to tell you at the end of each day what happened. Often times, you can work things through on the phone, by coaching them. Have Grandma agree that they can do this at any time – and that is the safety net for both Grandma and the kids. And tell the kids that they are part of the safety team too, and let them know what they can do to help Grandma. Be prepared to modify or change the care situation if something is not working, without it being a failure.

Recommended Resources:

We recommend two parenting websites that have great resources: Positive Parenting Solutions and Hand-in-Hand Parenting.

Kidpower Articles:

Question 5: My 7-year-old is having problems finding playmates at recess and is becoming more shy. I am concerned and want to help her build confidence. She has been telling me that she can’t find anyone to play with at recess and when I volunteered, I saw that others were trying to play with her, but she didn’t realize that was happening. She was not self-confident and seems to be isolating herself. Kids are not saying “no’ when she asks, though she is also wanting to be in charge of what is being played, and others want to be in charge too.

This summer, she is going to a day camp that she went to last summer and really liked it. I am wanting tips on what I can say to her to help her navigate being shy and also making friends. She seems excited to go, but does not know any of the kids.

Solution discussion:  

  • Camp – can you talk to the director before she goes? It is a good idea to know if anything has changed since last year, and you can ask questions about what may be familiar from last year, like, will she have the same counselor? Let the director know she has been having a hard time at school and you want for her to have a good time and make new friends at camp. Listen to how the camp director responds – this will give you a lot of information about how they can help and what you may need to do further to help your child have a good experience.
  • School – Mom, you are doing a great job trying to get to the bottom of this – by listening to your daughter and also going to see for yourself what is going on!
    • One thing you can do is have her do a simple practice, using the tones of voice and faces you make when you say, “I would like to play.” Show her and help her use a positive, upbeat voice with a smile, and then practice how to persist if there is resistance from the kids. Point out to her, that sometimes people don’t like to be interrupted, but help her practice ways to suggest a way to play that integrates into what they are already doing; and being willing to take turns being in charge.
  • To meet new friends – set up a practice where she comes up to you, and you pretend to be a kid, and she says, “Hi, my name is…. What is your name? Would you like to play?”  You can also use her toys to act out different approaches to get to know new friends.

Recommended Resources:

Question 6 : My 10-year-old girl is shy, and she is so quiet; she does not tell me what is going on. I only find out when her friends tell me, but she is not telling me when things hurt her feelings. One time a year ago, one boy called her fat. I did not know until one of her friends told her mom, and her mom told me. And she is starting to feel very self-conscious and noticing her body.

Solution Discussion:  One thing you can do is to tell her she is part of your family safety team. Pick a time, maybe while she is distracted, like while you are driving her somewhere so you are not directly confronting her, and say something like: “You know, I used to find it hard to talk to my parents and sometimes I was worried that they would overreact or start lecturing, or that they did not know how to be helpful, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I worry that this might be true for you, is that possible?”

Then you can go on, “As you are doing more things independently, it is really important to me that I know if somebody says something unkind or does something unsafe to you or anyone else. So, how can we make a plan that you will tell me what is going on, and what you are noticing? I bet you notice things a lot. I would like us to get in the habit of talking, and if I am talking too much, you can tell me to stop. You can tell me, ‘Please just listen.’”

If you have said something in the past that you are afraid might have caused her to not want to talk to you about problems, then you can say, “In thinking about this, I realize I might have made a mistake when I said to you, …”  It is empowering for kids to hear adults admit they made a mistake and apologize, because it makes it okay for them to make mistakes and still talk with you. And it is important to forgive yourself and be kind to yourself.

About the self-image issues – it is hard watching our kids go through this. There are some activities you can do to show her about what the media does to distort our images of ourselves, so giving her some education on how these things are presented to the society might help her understand that these images are false and not realistic.

Recommended Resources:

Article:  Stop Negative Self-Talk – Kidpower Skills for Unlearning Unsafe Words We Use on Ourselves

Media Education and Body Image Websites:

  • Media Smarts – a Canadian media literacy website has several resources for how to talk to kids.
  • About Face – a San Francisco nonprofit that educates about ways to combat media distortions of body image.

Books:

Question 7: My kids want to have a lemonade stand this summer. What do I do to ensure that they follow good safety rules?

Solution Discussion: In order to prepare the kids for this, you first need to assess the neighborhood, how old the kids are, and what the set-up might be like. Safety rules are different when kids are on their own versus when they are with their adults. If their adults are outside with them, then it is okay for them to talk to the strangers, give them the lemonade and take money from them. But if you go back inside, then they are on their own and you want them to follow different safety rules depending on their ages. You will want to practice (role-play) the differences in the safety rules for if you or other adults in charge are outside with them or not, so that you can assess their ability to stick to the rules in different situations. You may decide that they can’t have the lemonade stand open without an adult or teen you trust with them; or at least in earshot and able to easily get to them. You also want to know if there few or lots of neighbors around at the time they will be outside selling lemonade – and review with them who they could go to for help if needed.

Recommended Resources:

Kidpower Article: Teaching Kids to Be Safe Without Making Them Scared – Tips for Safety with Strangers and People Children Know

Question 8: Our daughter is 14 1/2. I want her to start taking the bus places, but safely. Also, we’ll be on a cruise this summer, a first for our family. Other than telling her not to be totally alone with someone else, boy or girl, I’m not sure what to tell her to be safe.

Solution Discussion: Let’s start with riding the bus. First you need to assess the situation and practice riding the bus with your teen so that she becomes familiar with and you understand what she might encounter on the routes you expect her to take. Then you can model how to handle various situations, talk about and practice skills for handling them and make shire she knows and how to change her plan, such as get up and move if someone is making her uncomfortable and how get help from the bus driver even while the bus is moving. Talk about and practice strategies for how to be safest, such as choosing a seat where she is on the aisle rather than by the window so that she can get up and get help quickly, if needed. Then you can co-pilot – have her take the bus with you several seats away so you can see her using her awareness skills to make wise choices, change the plan if needed and get where she’s going before she goes by herself.  I also recommend that she have a phone with her and agreements about using it only as a safety tool – and NOT as a distraction while she’s out on her own.

Now about the cruise: It is important to remember that you are all on the ship surrounded by strangers. You want young people to stay where there are lots of other people around and be aware of not leaving their food or drink unattended then coming back to it so that someone won’t put something in the drink that can make them confused. Use the buddy system so that they do not go anywhere without the buddy. Having kids continue to check-in with you and have a clear plan for each day. Make sure they know how to  leave to get help if needed – and making sure they have some physical self-defense just in case they need it.

Recommended Kidpower Articles:

One More Recommendation:

Consider coming to Kidpower’s Skills for Child Protection Advocates 3-day Training Institute! This call is an excellent preview of how Kidpower instructors and practitioners use the “Turning Problems into Practices” approach to apply Kidpower skills and strategies to real-life challenges. The training is for individuals (professionals, parents and volunteers) who are committed to protecting and empowering the young people in their lives and organizations. Learning to use Kidpower’s intervention, advocacy and skill-building practices helps you help kids grow confident and capable of taking charge of their own well-being.

 

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Published: June 11, 2015   |   Last Updated: June 11, 2015

Beth (she/her/hers) is the Web Communications Director and a Senior Program Leader for Kidpower International. She is a former journalist, now writing & editing coach, business technology and strategy consultant, child protection and gender inclusion advocate, and has been a Kidpower instructor (for all-ages) since 1992.