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Wow, we had a big crowd on this week’s “Turning Problems into Practices” Coaching Conference Call with Irene van der Zande, Kidpower’s executive director and founder. I am so pleased to see the tremendous interest and participation in these calls, which we have been able to offer for free each week during September in honor of International Child Protection Month.

Next week’s call will be held on Wednesday, Sept. 30, at Noon PDT, on the topic: “Stopping Bullying and Harrassment – What we can do that will make a difference.” Register and join in on the call to ask your questions about real-life situations and have Irene work with you to develop practices and a plan of action.

We talked with several people this week who were conflicted about how to best prepare children for independence without “throwing them in the deep end,” or “smothering them.” It’s a big discussion nationally with many different voices. 

At Kidpower, we believe that kids need to be protected along with being given progressive opportunities to learn and practice safety skills at the same time. We advocate that adults offer kids lots of practice and co-pilot to observe your kids dealing safely with actual challenges they may encounter and following safety plans – before they go out without adult protection on their own. We can do this at every age: whether it is crossing the street, walking to or from home and school, going on an overnight trip, or going anyplace new on their own.

Below you can listen to the recording and read summary notes with action plans that were discussed on the call, including links to recommended resources. 

The questions that were discussed live on this call were:

• My son (age 7) is getting asked to do sleepovers at friends houses. How do I prepare him for that?
• I have a 5^th grader who has been wanting to walk home school herself for two years. But now that she has walked home twice herself, she does not really want to do it anymore. I want her to be able to do this and make it safe.
• I want to teach my daughters about safety without feeling paranoid – and yet I have 2-3 more friends that are more paranoid; When I say, “I don’t want her to be fearful of every stranger,” my friends reply, “Why not, the world is a terrible place and all these bad things can happen.”
  • The campus of my daughter’s school is open, not locked up, and several parents concerned about letting K and 1st grade kids bring the attendance sheets to the office, because the kids are not supervised while they are doing it.
• As a martial arts school instructor teaching young kids, I feel I can only go so far without having a parent involved when we talk about things like making a safety plan. Some parents will be there, but some just drop their kids off and leave. What is the best way to approach to getting information to parents? Handout? E-mails?
• How do I prepare my young child who is going to visit relatives who have a history of making fun of or ignoring the boundaries she sets? For example, when they say something hurtful and my daughter says, “I don’t like it,” they make fun of her. They ask her to sing on demand and if she does not want to, they tease and make her feel bad about it. She will be going on this trip with her Dad, but he is very passive.

You can listen to the recording and read our summary notes from the call below, including links to recommended resources.

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Learn more about HOW to advocate, intervene and empower young people by:

• Participating in or sharing notes to one or more of Kidpower’s 1-hour “Turning Problems into Practices” Coaching Conference Calls;
• Taking or organizing a Fullpower Safety Leadership Workshop;
• Using Kidpower’s many books and other publications, such as the Kidpower Safety Comics series, to learn, teach and practice safety skills with young people;
• Attending our October 2015 Kidpower Skills for Child Protection Advocates 3-day Professional Training Institutes in North Carolina; and
• Applying for our Kidpower Core Program Training – a 6-day training for individuals who want to learn to teach our programs, either as a Kidpower Certified Instructor, or to bring Kidpower skills training to your organization and become an authorized service provider.

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Sept. 22, 2015 – Kidpower “Turning Problems into Practices” Coaching Conference Call with founder and executive director, Irene van der Zande. Topic: “Out on Their Own: Preparing kids for more independence while staying safe.” (61 mins)

 

Introduction: The purpose of Kidpower’s Turning Problems Into Practices Coaching Conference Calls is to take real situations and develop a plan of action using Kidpower skills and strategies to help you and your children become safer and better able to have more fun and fewer problems with the people in your life. Today’s call will focus on preparing kids to develop independence while staying safe. This is one of the most common questions parents ask us. Remember that, whether it is crossing the street safely or learning to drive a car, developing independence is a process that takes time, not a one-time discussion or workshop. Being prepared to make safe decisions in real life takes knowledge about what is and is not safe and what the best strategies are, skills to act on this knowledge, and development of enough life experience and maturity to use both knowledge and skills in the complexities of a real-life situation.

Kidpower’s Five Step Plan to Prepare Kids for More Independence

Question 1: My seven-year-old son is getting invited to do sleepovers at friends’ houses. How do I prepare him for that? What are the things I need to consider and do to make it successful? We have had play dates and a sleepover at our house.

Problem to Practice Discussion: Get to know the other parents and the family situations by first having shorter play dates at each other’s houses. Here are some issues to discuss with the parents prior to the sleepover:

1. Who else is going to be there?
2. Who will be in charge? It is important to have a clear agreement about how the kids will be supervised.
3. Is there a gun in the house and how is that being secured?
4. Are there any food allergies or sensitivities or other rules important to you, such as no sweets before bedtime?
5. Families have very different standards about what they sleep in at night. Making sure the kids can be prepared; “We are going to stay covered up during a sleepover and other times we play together.”
6. Have clarity about the things you are worried about and then feel comfortable raising these with the parents and discussing the rules and what to do with your child ahead of time so they are prepared. Practice with your child. For example – what if someone started telling scary stories? Have your child say, “That story makes me uncomfortable.” If they respond with something like, “Are you a baby?” have your child say, “No, I am not a baby and I don’t want to hear that story.”
7. Does your child know how to contact you at any time night or day?

Reply: “Adults’ cell phones are the only way. I wanted to ask about the little watches for kids where they can have parents call or they can call parents and it will automatically answer.”

Technology is fine, but it is better to depend on knowing how to get help from a real person because technology can fail and reception may not work. It can be used in addition to, but not as the main tool you depend on for safety. We don’t want kids fiddling with the device, but rather running away to safety right away.

Your son should know your phone number. Have a conversation with the parents and children together; “Our rule is, he can contact us at any time, even in the middle of the night and it is okay to interrupt and wake up sleeping adults.” The parents of the friend can say, “Yes, of course you can.” That way he hears it from them as well and it will make him a lot more comfortable.

8. Give him a flashlight to bring along. Being able to see will make him feel confident in the middle of the night to use if he has to go to the bathroom or get help from parents.
9. Remind him to yell if he is scared for any reason: “I need help.” Practice doing this out loud, as it can be hard or embarrassing if he has not practiced it recently.

Recommended Resources: Keeping Playdates Fun and Safe

Question 2: I have a very independent 5^th grader that is ready to and wants to walk home from school. It is a 6-minute walk from school and an older girl walks with her half of the way. I want her to be able to do this and make it safe.

Problem to Practice Discussion: Are there any parts of the route that are completely isolated?

Reply: “There are steps that go up the behind the school and a pathway that has a wall and on the other side is bushes.”

1. Check list of safety on the way to school and home from school: Talk with your child about the safety rules, walk with your child to identify potential hazards, and practice safety skills with your child.
2. We have a set of skills for walking on your own such as: Keep your head up, look around, and stay aware of cars and people, move out of reach from anyone who might cause a problem – don’t walk reading a book or fidgeting with technology with your head down,; yell and run if someone makes you scared.

Reply: “We did some training and practices, but we did not actually yell and run. My daughter said to me, ‘Mom, you are just scaring yourself.’ So how can I do this without scaring her or acting overly anxious?”

Say to her, “This is like traffic safety. We have practiced looking left and right for cars before going into the street over and over again. For these kinds of skill, we do not have the opportunity to do it in real life. Even though you know things with your mind, it is important to review doing them with your voice and your body and so for my peace of mind, I would like you to practice.”

Then run through all the skills:

1. How to yell for help and run away
2. How to pull your arm away
3. Interrupting a busy adult
4. Where to get help along the way if you needed
5. Check first before changing the plan, even if it is someone we know stops and asks if you want a ride home, or if someone asks you over to their house, you are still going to come home and check first.

Review the resources together with her and let her know these are good reminders for both of you. Tell her that if any issues do come up, she will know what to do and that she needs to tell you about it. She needs to know that you won’t take away her right to walk home from school if she tells you. You can also review the self-defense techniques in the air and have her show you how to do it and tell her you need to review it to.

Finally, review these pedestrian skills from the Safe Routes to School program about teaching pedestrian safety to children: http://saferoutesinfo.org/sites/default/files/TeachingChildrentoWalkSafely.pdf

Recommended Resources:

• Safety on the Way to School Guidelines from Kidpower
• Think and Check First – BEFORE You Change Your Plan
• Answering the Door And Staying Home Alone

Question 3: I am always on high alert because of my own past. How can I separate my learned gut reaction from what should be my realistic gut reaction to keep my five-year-old daughter safe? I have a few friends who are more paranoid than I am. When I say, “I don’t want my child to be fearful of every stranger” they respond with, “Why not? The world is a terrible place and all of these bad things can happen!”

I don’t want my daughter to be fearful but our school is an open campus rather than closed. Some friends won’t allow their kids to bring the attendance sheets to the office because kids would be alone in the halls. How can I address this?

Problem to Practice Discussion: The whole concept of Stranger Danger views hurts kids. Fear does not make kids safer. It just makes them anxious. Worrying about something does not build confidence. It builds anxiety or kids can shut down and say, “I don’t even want to hear you anymore.” You can tell your friends, “Worrying about it and letting them not do anything about it does not help make your children safer. We want to help them develop independence so let’s think about what the skills are they need and then practice them.” When you see your kids doing something and doing it safely, it helps you calm down and be confident. When you are aware of safety issues, this helps reduce the illusion of safety. Being aware of potential danger and doing something about it is not paranoid, but protective.

1. Skills kids need to become more independent in school are:
2. Use their awareness and noticing who is in the halls or yard.
3. If anyone makes them uncomfortable in the hall, be prepared to open the door to any nearby classroom and get help from the adults in the room. They can interrupt the teacher and walk right in, “Excuse me, there is a safety problem.” You can practice this at the school.
4. Check first with your teacher before changing the plan, even if someone you know tells you to do something else. If someone asks, “Can you show me where the multi-purpose room is?” The student should say, “I need to check with my teacher first, or you can ask the front office.” They should never go anywhere with anyone if it changes the plan.
5. Skills with teachers and field trips:
6. Everyone stays together. If the child needs to run to the bathroom or go back to get something they forgot, they need to interrupt the busy adult to let them know. All kids need to pay attention to who isin the group and tell their adults if someone is missing.

Safety rules for going up to people in uniforms if you are lost:

1. Make a safety plan wherever you go
2. Stop and look around for your adult
3. Yell for your adult
4. Then you go to someone who is working there. You can go to the beginning of the line and to interrupt the adult working there.
5. People in uniform are still strangers and you follow the same safety rules with them, but if you are having an emergency such as being lost in nature so can’t check first, you need to get help, even if it is from a stranger. If someone is calling your name when you are lost, you yell, “I am here. I need help!”

Recommended Resources:

• How “Stranger Danger” Hurts Kids
• What If I Get Lost? – Kidpower Skills to Prepare Children to Get Help
• Resisting the “Illusion of Safety”

Question 4: I am a martial arts school instructor, and I teach young kids about safety plans in addition to martial arts. When I am training young kids, I feel I can only go so far without having a parent involved. Some parents will be there, but some just drop their kids off and leave. What is the best way to approach training other parents?

Problem to Practice Discussion: Kidpower has free safety tips that can be used as a handout. Just let us know that you are doing it. You can post the link to it on-line. You can do something where you have some time ahead where you are talking to parents and let them know what you are teaching them and give them the handouts. We also have lessons you can copy and send home with parents or recommend that parents buy one of our Safety Comics to go over with their children.

Recommended Resources:

• 10 People Safety Assignments: Teaching Children Ages 5 to 14 to Be Safe With People
• Kidpower Safety Comics

Question 5: How do I prepare my six-year-old daughter when she is going without me to visit relatives who have a history of making fun of or ignoring the boundaries my kids set? When they say something hurtful and my child says, “I don’t like it” they make fun of her. For example, they ask her to sing on demand. If she does not want to, they will make her feel bad about it. She will be going with her Dad, but he is very passive.

Problem to Practice Discussion: One thing to do is to really prepare the non-assertive parent with things to say in the moment like, “In our family, we do not do hurtful teasing, please stop.” And, “In our family, we get to decide if we get touched or tickled, please stop. If our family, people get to choose whether or not they sing. Please stop.”

1. You could do some pro-active education with the family she will be visiting and send them some links to our articles because they may not be aware.
2. For your daughter, you can prepare her to protect her feelings using the Kidpower trashcan and how to walk away saying, “My feelings are important!” Tell her she can call you at any time she needs to. Practice role-playing the negative reactions adults will have and then persist in setting the boundary. She can say, “Please stop, this is not fun for me, and this is against my family rules.” Make sure she has an option of a place to go.
3. Staple a few pages together to make a book about what people might say and how she will protect herself. She can think of situations, draw the pictures, and be able to look at the book to remind herself about how to stay safe.

Recommended Resources:

• Why Affection and Teasing Should Be a Child’s Choice
• Speaking Up About Putdowns
• Advocating With Family Members for Your Kids
• Create Emotional Safety: Be a Powerful Positive Adult Leader
• The Kidpower Trash Can for Throwing Away Hurting Words

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Learn more about HOW to advocate, intervene and empower young people by:

• Participating in or sharing notes to one or more of Kidpower’s 1-hour “Turning Problems into Practices” Coaching Conference Calls;
• Taking or organizing a Fullpower Safety Leadership Workshop;
• Using Kidpower’s many books and other publications, such as the Kidpower Safety Comics series, to learn, teach and practice safety skills with young people;
• Attending our October 2015 Kidpower Skills for Child Protection Advocates 3-day Professional Training Institutes in North Carolina; and
• Applying for our Kidpower Core Program Training – a 6-day training for individuals who want to learn to teach our programs, either as a Kidpower Certified Instructor, or to bring Kidpower skills training to your organization and become an authorized service provider.

 

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Published: September 23, 2015   |   Last Updated: September 23, 2015